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IELTS Essay, topic: Children and rules

In some countries children have very strict rules of behavior, in other countries they are allowed to do almost anything they like. To what extent should children have to follow rules?

Freedom plays a pivotal role in everybody’s life. We can see in today’s modernized era that nobody likes to be restricted, whether it is a child or an adult. Some people think that there should {tooltip}have{end-link}be{end-tooltip} some strict rules of behavior for children, but I disagree with this statement.

{tooltip}Wherever it is a reality{end-link}It is the reality{end-tooltip} that sometimes more restrictions can cause more frustration in children, which leads to many other mental problems as well. {tooltip}Morever{end-link}Moreover{end-tooltip} they can {tooltip}be, behave like a stubborn{end-link}be very stubborn{end-tooltip}. Sometimes they feel {tooltip}themselves{end-link}remove this word, it is unnecessary{end-tooltip} under pressure, which can be the main reason for their poor performance in their field. In some cases children may insist on doing {tooltip}these things from where we?ll try to keep them away{end-link}the things we try to prevent them from doing{end-tooltip}.

In other words {tooltip}_{end-link},{end-tooltip} we have to look {tooltip}for{end-link}at{end-tooltip} other aspects as well, {tooltip}like{end-link}because{end-tooltip} if we usually ignore our children’s bad habits, then they {tooltip}can’t be{end-link}might not become{end-tooltip} good human beings in their future life. Moreover{tooltip}_{end-link},{end-tooltip} if we never draw attention {tooltip}upon{end-link}to{end-tooltip} the children’s main activities then they might end up in a bad company. They {tooltip}can know regarding{end-link}should learn{end-tooltip} the value of respect for their elders{tooltip}. They can know the{end-link}and the{end-tooltip} importance of relationships. They {tooltip}can know regarding{end-link}must understand{end-tooltip} their cultural values as well.

In a nutshell, I would like to say that children should be {tooltip}teach{end-link}taught{end-tooltip} the value of their customs, rituals and respect towards their elders for their future life, but most of the additional restriction should {tooltip}be being avoided{end-link}be avoided{end-tooltip}. It would {tooltip}be better to make them{end-link}help them become{end-tooltip} good human beings in their future.

This is a good, well-written essay. Some sentences are too short and could be combined together to create a more complex structure. There is also some repetition of words, which should be avoided. Overall, nicely done.