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IELTS Essay, topic: Critical factors to the development of a country

Some people say education is the only critical factor to the development of a country. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

One the one hand good education is a highly recommended skill in the developed countries, on the other hand {tooltip}the highest wish{end-link}it is the biggest wish{end-tooltip} of many people in regions of poverty. But what makes education {tooltip}to the{end-link}the{end-tooltip} key factor for the development of a country {tooltip}?{end-link}Instead of a question, try statement: "There are several reasons that make education a key factor..."{end-tooltip}

We must acknowledge that education is something that we all need. The differences are just what we learn. Mostly the limited educational horizons of poor and less educated people have more to deal with their personal situation than with problems of bigger effects on a country. Attending school is sometimes too expensive and it does not feed a family.

Nevertheless there must be a reason for education. For me it looks like some countries have realized that Education is the key for the globalization process. If we take India for example we can see that a change in the educational system had changed the economy of the country. {tooltip}The{end-link}That{end-tooltip} country has changed from a poor region to a high potential {tooltip}aria{end-link}area{end-tooltip} for IT knowledge.

In regard to this fact {tooltip}it is a must that the Governments of less developed countries take the power{end-link}Rephrase (to improve sentence structure): Government must take the power... and offer...{end-tooltip} of education seriously and offer it to a wide range of people. Spending money {tooltip}for{end-link}on{end-tooltip} education is the key tippy {tooltip}to{end-link}for{end-tooltip} a new future effects on the economy and social life. All in all I agree with the importance of education for the development of a country. Less knowledge leads to poverty and {tooltip}not to knowledge that has wide effects{end-link}This expression is confusing{end-tooltip}. Learning and Knowledge is Power and an investment in the near future and therefore it has to be an official task.

This essay covers the task. It has a good structure, however the conclusion paragraph is too big – consider splitting it into 2 paragraphs, with the last one being the conclusion. As to the structure of sentences, there are several sentences that should be rephrased (see comments for suggestions). The grammar also needs some attention (see underlined in blue comments for details). Overall, this looks like a band 6.5 essay.

Source: ielts-blog.com